ATTENTION: Only talk in whispers so that no captains or other leaders can hear you.

BRASS: Devices designed to over-blow and blast. See also trumpet, French horn, sousaphone, trombone, contra, and/or (marching) baritone.

CAPTAIN: Leader of a section who tries to keep their section out of complete chaos in order to make themselves look good

COLOR-GUARD: People (usually/hopefully females) who swing flags and toss rifles to distract the audienceís attention away from the band. Makes the band seem better. Get extra credit if they hit (accidentally, of course) a band member, yet defied if they hit a field judge.

DIRECTOR: The person who claims to be in charge when everything is going well and claims denial when things go wrong.

DRUM-LINE: The people hitting the drums with sticks in time with each other, but either a half beat earlier or later than the band.

DRUM MAJOR: The person in the front who waves his arms and dances wildly to the music.

FLUTE: An un-tuned device for people who want to be in the band who have weak arms and donít wish to be heard.

TRUMPET: An instrument that is designed to make a band sound better. The idea is that if the trumpets play loud enough, you canít hear the rest of the band, so only the trumpetsí mistakes are heard, not everyone elseís.

VALVE OIL: Exquisitely tasteful with a twist of lemon. A form of currency for brass players. Most important ingredient to a beverage known as "Valve Oil Daiquiri."

WOODWINDS: 1. A true sign that God has a sense of humor. 2. A biological mistake.

A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So, the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"


Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
A: Lipstick.


Q: How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a violin.


Q: Why don't flute players ever catch a cold?
A: Even a virus has some pride.


Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zone.


We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer but then lost one and became a conductor.


Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.


Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your front door?
A: By the Dominos Pizza hat.


Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune sax player, an out-of-tune sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player. The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.


Q: How can you tell which kid on the playground is the child of the trombonist?
A: He/She can't swing and doesn't know how to use the slide.


Q: How do you know when a violin is out-of-tune?
A: When the bow's moving.


Q: Why do drummers have 1/2 ounce more brains than horses?

A: So they don't disgrace themselves in the parade.


Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.


Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.